These feelings that roll around are as predictable as the tides. I really need to learn to SURF through them!
I am MISSING BRANDON so very much. I was thinking the other day, that I would give most anything to change my life BACK to my old life(there are the obvious exceptions ~ Brandon NOT being sick,my Children/husband/family/friends/stability).
But I also realized that I would NEVER change what Brandon has now...as much as I wish things were different, I could not rob him of his eternal home and what he has now...just for my selfish (deserved) heart. So that brings me to ENDURING.
ENDURING the missing
ENDURING the longing
ENDURING the heartache
ENDURINGG the breathlessness at times
ENDURING the crying, sometimes so hard I can't breathe
ENDURING the loss
ENDURING what "might have been".
But in all that ENDURANCE, I realize that God has helped me to PERSEVERE...something that Brandon did everyday despite his circumstances or the way he was feeling. You see for him...PERSEVERANCE and DETERMINATION was a daily decision, and he did it from 5 years old to 19. That's 14 years of 365 days of ENDURANCE ~ PERSEVERANCE ~ DETERMINATION. I have really only had to do it for 5 years. I see I will always have a lot to learn from Brandon, and to do as he did...ENDURE, PERSEVERE, and to be DETERMINED while living out....I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!
Thank you for the lessons Brandon, Thank you GOD for letting me be his mother, as well as Jordan & Seth's!